Saturday, 24 March 2012

I, For One, Welcome Our New Insect Overlords – The Queensland Election Massacre


The results of the Queensland election are still coming in but it is clear that it has been a landslide victory for Campbell Newman and the LNP. Newman’s opponent in the hotly contested seat of Ashgrove has graciously conceded her seat after serving as the youngest ever state MP for 3 years. With 73% of the vote counted, Newman has a substantial lead of nearly 4000 votes, in an electorate with nigh on 31000 voters. Currently, state-wide, the Liberal National Party hold 78 seats to the ALP’s 7. This utter whitewash finally puts an interesting cap on what was a fairly dull election campaign. There was no intrigue, and a minimum of scandal. The mud-slinging was fairly reserved and minimal. All in all, it was an unentertaining affair. But the severity of the punishment that the ALP received tonight is still staggering, coming in as the most decisive electoral victory in Australian history, as the state braces itself for 3 years under the governance of a party with such an overwhelming parliamentary majority that they could conceivably legislate euthanising the homeless if they felt like it. The burden is now on him and his cabinet to not do anything stupid, cruel or damaging to the state’s image, economy or people.

In Premier-elect Campbell Newman’s gracious victory speech, he spoke of the heavy responsibility he and his new Legislative Cabinet felt to the people of Queensland. One can only hope that he meant not just the victory but the massive scale of the victory, and the power that affords the Liberal National Party as a whole. I don’t doubt for a second that he’s sincere when he speaks of responsibility. My personal doubt is to whether his government can live up to the responsibility remain united, as factional in-fighting has taken its toll on the LNP over the last few years.

But when all is said and done, this election has some of the hallmarks of an invasion. A very formal and vaguely boring invasion, but an invasion all the same; it seems curiously akin to a bad movie where townsfolk start falling under a hypnotic daze and become fanatically conservative and it spreads like a disease until everyone in the country has that creepy Stepford Wives mojo going on and it’s up to some sassy, back-talking, punk kids to save the day but in the end they find out that it’s not a disease but an alien invasion and everyone’s been replaced by shapeshifting insectoid aliens pretending to be human until they could assimilate themselves into the higher echelons of society and government in an elaborate plan to enslave us and turn our planet into a giant intergalactic septic tank.

…What was I talking about? I’m sorry, I got bored and started making up my own story. Oh, that’s right. Election night 2012 and our new alien overlords.  Got it. Hail Newman.

Karl Anderson 25 Mar 2012, 02:09AM

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